The time has come at last, the time that I had been hoping would never come. The arrival of the announcement of the Final Fantasy VII remake.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a huge Final Fantasy fan. I grew up playing the games and they inspired me to become the creator that I am. Final Fantasy VII was not my #1 (VI and IX are tied for that slot) but it was dear and precious to me and has influenced me in countless ways. As a result I am a huge obnoxious snob about this game and other retro Final Fantasy games, so an actual remake announcement left me with a sinking feeling. I wonder if other fans of the original have forgotten the sins done to the game since Sakaguchi was removed? I have come to remind you:

5. Before Crisis

Cute, right? WRONG.

Final Fantasy VII: Before Crisis was the first installment of the Final Fantasy VII Compilation. It was a mobile phone game that was never ported, so I will forgive western audiences for not understanding in what way this game ruined the original.

You see, the plot of Before Crisis contained the Turks as main characters, but centered around the scum and villainy and sins of AVALANCHE. For the uninitiated, AVALANCHE is the name of your group in Final Fantasy VII, a tiny terrorist cell dedicated to bringing down Shin-Ra the evil corporation that is sucking life energy from the planet, guaranteeing its death. The leader of AVALANCHE is our beloved Barrett who tries to help the world survive a little longer by destroying the Mako Reactors that make harvesting the lifestream possible.

In Before Crisis there is a separate AVALANCHE, referred to by the wiki as “the first AVALANCHE” led by Elfé and Fuhito which are not mentioned in Final Fantasy VII. In Before Crisis AVALANCHE are some serious villains sparring against the Turks who attempt to use the Junon cannon on Midgar itself and make SCIENCE ZOMBIES OUT OF SOLDIER MEMBERS. Also it was Rufus who was responsible for funding AVALANCHE to make SOLDIER zombies. In the end he cuts off all the Turks that know the truth and only keeps the Turks who are in league with him. Then Barrett comes to Midgar from Cosmo Canyon to start his shiny new AVALANCHE.

4. Advent Children

Advent Children is the huge movie release that got everyone talking about a Final Fantasy VII remake in the first place. It takes place 2 years after the apocalypse where everyone is, remarkably, still alive. Sephiroth is also still alive and has become three dudes for some reason, who are charming kids by curing them of ‘geostigma’, a horrible planet plague. Cloud is also terribly adjusted in spite of all of the character development that he went through in the actual game.

3. Dirge of Cerberus

I wanted so much of what this game was but not like this…. not like this…

Dirge of Cerberus was a third-person shooter for the ps2 that adopted Vincent as the main character and included Reeve/Cait Sith and Yuffie as fanservice. This was the first of the Compilation games to be released in the west.

In Dirge of Cerberus there is an organization called Deepground (so cool) that is made up of formerly genetically spliced SOLDIERs, proving that under no circumstances can Cloud keep his plot unaltered. Deepground is after a ‘protomateria’ that was implanted in Vincent (that manages his control on Chaos) in order to use it to control ‘Omega’, a Weapon. Dirge of Cerberus takes away all of the mystery of Vincent’s plot and sullies it with all this new and convoluted bullshit. Not only that, but the final boss is Hojo who implanted his thoughts into a computer AI who possesses the Deepground bad guy.

2. Crisis Core

Zack was my favorite, so this one was extra heartbreaking.

Crisis Core features a baby Zack, whose entire existence is a spoiler if you’ve never actually played the original Final Fantasy VII. Zack is a brand new member of SOLDIER and the game is mostly about doing tiny missions for people until your eyes cross or the writers piss all over the plot of Final Fantasy VII. There are a bunch of pretty dudes who have wings for no reason and millions of clones of themselves and multiple scenes are rehashed and ruined.

Let’s see the Sephiroth Jenova Project reveal in the Original and again in Crisis Core.

Better yet, let’s see Zack’s death in the Original, and in Crisis Core. The point of Zack’s death is the fragility of it, the meaninglessness. How could they fuck this up.

Which brings me to the biggest and most glaring problems involved in remaking Final Fantasy VII:

1. The Final Fantasy VII Compilation

Yessir the #1 reason the Final Fantasy VII remake is doomed to suck is the whoooole Final Fantasy VII compilation! If the remake will take into account the incredibly convoluted plot changes that they’ve made since the original was released (which they are obligated to do as lip service to all of the people who spent so much money buying the compilation products) it will be a wonderful and pretty ride with the occasional gigantic looming obelisk of disappointment and ruined memories. I hope you’re all proud of yourselves.

And finally two reasons that it might be nice:

1. it’ll be pretty, and…

2. the translation will be better.