September 19

Lucy’s nervous to sleep again, but Quincey is doing patrols around the house like a guard dog. I love him.

Poor Lucy is exhausted and although she has a bouquet of lovers about, maybe it was too little too late. Eventually she asks for Arthur and the bachelors obey and Quincey goes to meet him.

The prose makes sure we know that the setting sun made her cheeks rosier. If this were a video game, Lucy’s cheeks color would show her HP.

Arthur is upset but Lucy brightens to see him and they manage to have a conversation. Dr. Lobotomy is using her phonograph so he can record his podcast while he is about to take his overnight watch from Arthur and Van Helsing, but he’s scared that Lucy won’t make it through the night.


September 20

Report from Patrick Hennessey, M. D., M. R. C. S. L. K. Q. C. P. I., etc., etc., to John Seward, M. D.

Stop bragging!

Dr. Hennessey sends a report to Dr. Lobotomy about Renfield. He mentions some folks going to Dracula’s house with a cart.

The men stopped at our gate to ask the porter their way, as they were strangers.

Strangers in a strange land, you might say.

As he passed the window of Renfield’s room, the patient began to rate him from within, and called him all the foul names he could lay his tongue to.

Ah, this is nostalgic! Remember when Jonathan did this to the Romani from his window? I missed these parallels.

In exactly the way Jonathan was treated, Hennessy talks to the guy from the window and they ignore Renfield. Hennessey tells the guy where to go and Renfield harasses him the whole way. When Hennessey checks on Renfield in his room, Renfield plays dumb like nothing happened.

Okay I wanna go back to that scene in the earlier chapters because this really seems like a play-by-play of the past. Let’s see these scenes back-to-back:

Jonathan, June 17, the Slovakians came up to the castle with the boxes that Dracula would use to transport soil to London:

Then I ran to the window and cried to them. They looked up at me stupidly and pointed, but just then the “hetman” of the Szgany came out, and seeing them pointing to my window, said something, at which they laughed. Henceforth no effort of mine, no piteous cry or agonised entreaty, would make them even look at me. They resolutely turned away.

This one, today, September 20:

As he passed the window of Renfield’s room, the patient began to rate him from within, and called him all the foul names he could lay his tongue to. The man, who seemed a decent fellow enough, contented himself by telling him to “shut up for a foul-mouthed beggar,” whereon our man accused him of robbing him and wanting to murder him and said that he would hinder him if he were to swing for it. I opened the window and signed to the man not to notice, so he contented himself after looking the place over and making up his mind as to what kind of a place he had got to by saying: ‘Lor’ bless yer, sir, I wouldn’t mind what was said to me in a bloomin’ madhouse. I pity ye and the guv’nor for havin’ to live in the house with a wild beast like that.’ Then he asked his way civilly enough, and I told him where the gate of the empty house was; he went away, followed by threats and curses and revilings from our man.

There’s certainly a language barrier involved with Jonathan and the Slovakians. Even more interesting to me is that both of these scenes take place with a middleman who is not their captor; Dracula is served by his Romani and rather than Dr. Lobotomy, it’s Hennessey who runs interference. Not only that but this scene contains the same fucking boxes.

A big difference here is that Renfield is on the ground floor or close to it, so he proceeds to bust through his window and make a dash. Jonathan was too high for this to be an option… I assume.

Renfield absconds through the window and goes out to assault the delivery guys.

The other fellow jumped down and struck him over the head with the butt-end of his heavy whip. It was a terrible blow; but he did not seem to mind it, but seized him also, and struggled with the three of us, pulling us to and fro as if we were kittens. You know I am no light weight, and the others were both burly men.

Okay I’m seeing now more and more the appeal of the sexy RP between Dr. Lobotomy and Renfield. The threat of your charge who is helpless to you also being a massive dude who can tear you and half is enough to get plenty of people hot and heavy.

These three macho men manage to get Renfield under control with effort. One of them has their finger broken. Hennessey says the guys were annoyed and came up with a lot of excuses for why they struggled so much taking Renfield down, which is a  hilarious and endearing addition to me. Hennessey appeases them with a tip and some booze until they leave, mollified.

I took their names and addresses, in case they might be needed. They are as follows:—Jack Smollet, of Dudding’s Rents, King George’s Road, Great Walworth, and Thomas Snelling, Peter Farley’s Row, Guide Court, Bethnal Green. They are both in the employment of Harris & Sons, Moving and Shipment Company, Orange Master’s Yard, Soho.

Jack Smollet sounds familiar but I think today’s entry is already long enough. Maybe I’ll look it up later. He might have been involved in the earlier letters about shipping the boxes.


Meanwhile, Dr. Lobotomy is depressed. Apparently Arthur’s father has now died as well, and he’s too busy looking after Lucy to go get ripped in half by Renfield.

Arthur has joined the watch over Lucy so she really does have a full house of suitors. We just need Mina. Dr. Lobotomy says Lucy’s face is “whiter than the lawn” which is funny. What do you have growing on your lawn? Nothing?

He gives us details about how deathly she looks until he drops this bomb:

Her teeth, in the dim, uncertain light, seemed longer and sharper than they had been in the morning. In particular, by some trick of the light, the canine teeth looked longer and sharper than the rest.

I’m so glad she’s not dead so Lucy can enter her HOT VAMPIRE ERA OMG. I’m so excited. Today’s Dracula update is just full of thrills.

Dr. Lobotomy is interested about how while she dozes, Lucy throws the garlic away from her, but when she awakes she pulls it close.

When Van Helsing takes over for Dr. Lobotomy he is shocked to discover that the wounds on Lucy’s neck are gone. He declares that she is dying and there is nothing they can do now. He tells Dr. Lobotomy to wake Arthur and let him know. Arthur takes a minute to pray and cry by the couch.

When Arthur goes to Lucy’s room she wakes and greets him, invites him for a kiss, but Van Helsing tells him to hold her hand instead. She dozes, then rouses again and demands a kiss from Arthur. When he moves in for a smooch Van Helsing grabs him by the neck and throws him away from her across the room, which rules. He stands between her and Arthur and Arthur is too shocked to know what to do. Dr. Lobotomy catches a glimpse of rage on her face before she dozes again.

When Lucy rouses once more she seems to be herself and asks Van Helsing to look after Arthur. Van Helsing agrees and gives Arthur permission for a kiss on the forehead. She stops breathing and Van Helsing declares her dead.

I took Arthur by the arm, and led him away to the drawing-room, where he sat down, and covered his face with his hands, sobbing in a way that nearly broke me down to see.

The affection these gay cowboys have for each other really makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

Dr. Lobotomy goes back to Van Helsing and finds Lucy looking more beautiful than ever somehow. He remarks that she is at peace at last, but Van Helsing tells him that isn’t the case, and that they’re at the beginning, but refuses to give any details.

It’s sexy vampire time!! Yes!!!

Edit: I’m running a poll on Patreon for patrons only about what comes after Let’s Read Dracula Like a Fujoshi. I’d love to hear any suggestions you may have in the comments or in my DMs, but if you’re a patron, please vote in the poll or comment there. The post will be open for the public to see (but closed to votes) on October 1st 2023. Please check it out here.

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