Here in Nova Scotia we’re having a loooong stint of rain, which is very depressing, but at least we’re not on fire. Unfortunately for me, the rain often comes with thunderstorms, which I find scary.

Scared Spongebob under the covers

I’m a big baby when it comes to loud noises and thunderstorms are just periods of unpleasant jumpscares. I don’t mind them if I’m home and hiding under the covers, but during the day I find them terribly inconvenient. I called out of my personal assistant gig on Tuesday because we were due for some storming, and then the thunder and lightning started on Wednesday as soon as I went outside to get groceries. Today I’ll be off to my PA gig again while thunder threatens to go with me to work, and I hate it. Getting mixed signals from Google about whether or not having my umbrella in a thunderstorm will kill me or not.

In Dracula, there’s no weather at all, as I’ve come to expect.

Jonathan writes that the final letter he wrote at Dracula’s behest is dated for today. He saw Dracula leave in his clothes again.

As he went down the wall, lizard fashion, I wished I had a gun or some lethal weapon, that I might destroy him[…]

This line made me laugh. I know that his desperation coming to thoughts of freedom via violence is pretty normal, but something about “that I might destroy him” is extremely funny. “I wish I had a fucking gun.” Well, of course you do, dear.

The rest of this line goes on to say that Jonathan isn’t even sure that a gun, or any weapon made by humans, would kill Dracula, even if he had one.

Spooked at the idea of encountering the vampire ladies again, Jonathan retreats to the library instead of waiting around. He falls asleep reading and snoozes until woken by Dracula.

Bummed, Dracula tells him they have to part ways tomorrow, “You return to your beautiful England, I to some work which may have such an end that we may never meet.” He lays out a plan for the following afternoon, when he, the Slovakians, and Romani will be gone and a carriage will come to get Jonathan to see him home. Dracula says he hopes Jonathan will visit again. We had so much fun in our sex dungeon these past weeks didn’t we Jon?

Jonathan is, reasonably, skeptical and asks why he can’t leave right fucking now. Dracula replies that it’s because his coachman and horses are away. Jonathan doesn’t give a shit, says he’ll walk because he wants to get the fuck out, even without his luggage. Dracula gets up and—with a sweet courtesy which made me rub my eyes, it seemed so real—says that if Jonathan would like to leave then Dracula will see him out at once, although it pains him. He leads Jonathan down the stairs.

Dracula stops once, raises a hand, says “Hark!” and suddenly there’s a racket of howling wolves. Dracula unbolts the door—which Jonathan notes with shock appears to be unlocked, though he didn’t see Dracula use a key—and the wolves move to rush inside. Dracula opens the door to the howl of the wolves until Jonathan begs him to close it, saying he will wait for tomorrow. Dracula closes the door and the locks lickety-split. They retreat to the library until Jonathan goes to bed.

The last I saw of Count Dracula was his kissing his hand to me; with a red light of triumph in his eyes, and with a smile that Judas in hell might be proud of.

The internet has not been able to explain every phrase in this book to me, but it seems that “kissing his hand to me” means that Dracula blew Jonathan a kiss. Which, as we all know, is something heterosexual men do to each other. Kiss the homies, as is custom, and whatnot. The Judas comparison too, obviously, is heterosexual as hell.

Judas smooching Jesus in Jesus Christ Superstar

Jonathan is about to turn in when he hears whispers outside his door. Dracula says “Tonight is mine and tomorrow is yours.” When Jonathan opens the door, he sees the three ladies licking their lips, and then Jonathan locks himself up inside. Poor boy is so scared. Maybe Dracula is a little too into noncon roleplay and is very bad at discussing boundaries. Tonight my boy, you’ll get boned, and then tomorrow to the heterosexuality gulag or something.

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